【2005 Archives】

So005 Archives we got into work this morning and someone had slipped the working draft of President Donald Trump's speech for later this year when he pardons the Thanksgiving turkey. Apparently, he's writing it himself. I know, right??

Admittedly, this is very early for Trump to be planning out the annual presidential tradition, and he's not really known for writing his own speeches. But, we here at Mashablewould be remiss if we didn't publish this revealing document.

What follows is Trump's draft speech in full:

"Thank you, thank you for joining us for this very, very special day. It's a day for justice, I think.

Can we get Waddles the turkey out here? There he is. Look at him. Just beautiful.

Today is the day when we really look at this turkey and ask ourselves what he really has done. I mean, you ask me, and a lot of people have, and when they do, I say this turkey is more innocent than anybody.

Believe me, nobody knows more about turkeys than me.

Since November started, I start seeing all sorts of people going after Waddles. Waddles does this wrong, Waddles does that wrong. Waddles had secret one-on-one feedings with this other turkey nobody likes. Where are these headlines coming from, I ask myself. It's tough, you know, being a turkey and it seems to me that he's just trying to create a nicer farm for everyone. Wouldn't it be nice if Waddles got along with more people?

But no, all these people want to eat Waddles alive. Want to cook him up. Imagine that.

It's very unfair. Very nasty.

And now, here it is, Thanksgiving, and everyone has sharpened their knives to come after him. Some people have gotten together and planned on hunting Waddles down and taking him out. Even though he's done so much for so many others. They've turned this turkey hunt into a witch hunt. It's a mess, I tell you. Big mess. Big.

And everyone is surprised and asking, "why?" "We love Waddles," they say, "He's doing a great job."

And so I think to myself, "You know, I don't like how this bird is being treated. It's not nice."

And so I think it's only fair that we pardon Waddles. It's only fair.

To you, Waddles, I want to say: I'm sorry that you've had to go through all of this nastiness. You're a beautiful bird. Really, really beautiful. And so smart. I'm sorry that the fake news and the obstructionist Democrats and the losers don't appreciate all your talents. You are so good. So very good. And tough. And good. Very good.

I'm also pardoning Jared Kushner, Ivanka Trump, Donald Trump Jr., Jeff Sessions, Steve Bannon, my friend Jim, and myself. But not Reince Preibus.

Thank you and let's continue to Make America Great Again."

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